Slouching, Then and Now.

Most of the time, I have terrible posture.

For much of the day, my head and shoulders are lowered and leaning forward as I appear to be a few inches shorter than I actually am. I've been like this for long enough that standing up straight with my shoulders back in line with my body feels unnatural and uncomfortable. It started when I was young, and the way it began doesn't have much of anything to do with the way it is now.

I slouched when I was young, but it didn't really start until kindergarten. This was the first place I went regularly and had repetitive social interaction with people who weren't part of my family. (You might be thinking, "what about preschool?" I only went to preschool for two days. I didn't like it.)

When I got to kindergarten, I very quickly noticed that I was noticeably taller than everyone else. There were others in my age group at Emmet D. Williams Elementary who were as tall as or taller than me for most of my time there, but at the time they were in the PM kindergarten class, which met later in the day. I was an AM kindergarten student, and my teacher (to whom I was as attracted as a kindergartener can be, regardless of the fact that she was likely at least five times older than me at that point) had the same initials as I did. Her name was Janis Petersen.

When I would stand around and talk with the other students, it felt weird to be several inches above them. I didn't know anything about...well, anything at that point (I was in kindergarten), and I figured that if I was talking to people my age and "fitting in," I shouldn't be towering over them. So I slouched. I did what I thought was necessary to fit in (which contrasts sharply with one of the only other things I remember about kindergarten, about which I will blog sometime soon).

But when I got older, I developed an entirely different reason for slouching. My motivation for slouching began to change when I was in middle school, which was absolutely the worst time of my life and (hopefully) will remain so for the rest of my existence.

In middle school, I didn't slouch to avoid the appearance that I was different from the other students. I slouched to avoid being noticed, as my two years in middle school were filled with people treating me and others in ways nobody should ever be treated. If someone noticed me, they would notice how completely seventh-grade, don't-understand-what-the-hell-is-going-on awkward I was, and then start to mistreat me.

It would be kind of weird (and would reveal lots of deep-seeded issues) if the reason I slouched when I'm 26 stemmed from things that happened when I was 13. Instead, the reason I slouch today is both different from and related to my previous reasons for slouching.

I slouch today because of the cumulative effect of innumerable disappointments and embarassments which my mind refuses to forget.

I remember so, so many embarassing or shameful events from my life, no matter how small. I don't know why I remember them so vividly, but I do.

When I was very young, I was running around in my back yard. I wandered into my neighbor's yard, where my neighbor was sitting around with her yippy, terribly annoying chihuahua, whose name was Mitsy. At one point, I got to hold the dog. I don't remember whether I asked to hold the dog or whether I was asked if I'd like to hold it.

I dropped it.

I vividly remember exactly where I was standing at that moment. I remember the exact direction I was facing and where my neighbor was in relation to me. I remember looking down at her (I was standing, she was sitting in a chair) and I remember the exact look on her face as she yelled at me: "GO HOME NOW! YOU COULD HAVE BROKE HER BACK!" I remember very clearly that she said "broke" and not "broken." I remember what her glasses looked like. I remember the tone of red her face took on as she yelled it, and I remember beginning to cry instantly and sprinting into my house.

I remember this and a number of other similarly shameful incidents I repeatedly went over in my head during my youth. I don't know why these things stick with me as well as they do. It probably just comes with my hyper-introspective nature and how deeply I've always desired to avoid disappointing people (middle child!).

I don't really know where I'm going with this. I slouch. There are reasons. The reasons have changed over the years. I don't have any way to bring this all together. Writing a blog about nothing in particular is usually done under the assumption that the readers are interested enough not to need me to take this in any more dramatic or productive direction.